Adoption Blogger Interview Project 2012 - Meet Lynn

I mentioned last month that I had decided to participate in the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project 2012.  This project is put on by Heather at Production, Not Reproduction in connection with Open Adoption Bloggers.  The project helps celebrate Adoption Awareness Month and gives us an opportunity to get to know fellow bloggers.

I was paired with Lynn of Open Hearts, Open Minds.  Lynn and her husband Tim have a fantastic little boy Elliot who they adopted at birth three years ago.  It was terrific getting to know Lynn through her blog and our email correspondence.  Lynn lives in Michigan so geographically we are not that far away.  Talking with her made me think of the four years I spent in Windsor.  In particular the two years I lived directly under the Ambassador Bridge to Detroit.  Oh university life... lol.

Lynn is a writer and among other projects has written a few children's books, one based on a story she wrote for Elliott about his adoption.  Lynn's blog was a joy to read.  She talks not only about her open adoption with Elliott's birth family but also about raising her son, travel and life in general.  I found her posts on bilingual parenting especially interesting since I would love to teach myself and Gaby Italian.  Lynn is teaching her son Spanish and has an amazing grasp on it herself even though it is not her first language.

Below is my interview with Lynn.  If you would like to read her interview with me you can find it here.  Heather has posted a list of all the interview project pairs on her blog if you are interested in exploring any of the other interviews.

Me:When we as potential adoptive parents make the decision to adopt we learn allot throughout the adoption process.  Our families do not always have this same opportunity.
 

You talk allot in your blog about adoption being the way Elliot joined your family not one of his defining characteristics.  Do you find this is a point you have to remind friends and family of (eg. positive adoption language)?

Lynn:Fortunately, no…we have not often had to remind family and friends to use positive adoption language. I have had a few situations where acquaintances have referred to Elliot’s birth parents as “his parents” and I’ve immediately corrected them. I’m hyper-vigilant about people saying things like “he is adopted” (defining characteristic) vs. “he was adopted” (one-time event), although this has rarely come up.

 
Me:In response to an open adoption bloggers prompt that stated "open adoption is about information sharing" you spoke about how you felt open adoption was about love.  Over the years has your opinion on this changed at all? Why?
 

Lynn:I’m not a big fan of rereading my own writing, so I’m not going to go back and see what I wroteJ However, I do feel that love is at the heart of our (and any successful) open adoption. Love – and wanting to do the best thing for their unborn child -- was the motivating factor beyond Elliot’s birth parents’ adoption decision. Love – of each other and of the idea of growing our family – was what prompted Tim and me to explore adoption. Although it’s not really expressed, I think love is the underlying current that connects Elliot’s birth parents and us.

And of course, parenting is love, and the love I feel for Elliot is hard to put into words. 
  

 

Me:When you adopted Elliot his birth parents were still together. Are they still? If so how do you think Elliot will feel about this as he gets older?

Lynn:They are still together, but I don’t feel that their relationship with each other should in any way affect how Elliot feels about their adoption decision. A lot of birth mothers make an adoption decision because they are in a situation where they would otherwise have to parent alone, and that’s valid. However, it’s a misconception to think that all birth parents (usually birth mothers) decide on adoption as an alternative to single parenthood.

Not everyone wants to be a cook. Not everyone is cut out to be a runner. In the same way, not every person in this world is meant to be a parent. Elliot’s birth parents love him, but realized that they shouldn’t be his parents. That’s what I plan to tell Elliot as he gets older, and I’m confident he’ll understand.

Me:You have said that you do not have and would not have wanted an open adoption agreement.  In Ontario it is required that an open adoption agreement be signed.  It is part of the paperwork reviewed by the ministry of child and youth services before granting finalization of an adoption.     

Looking back if you would have been required to have an openness agreement would it have changed the level of openness you were willing to have? Why?

Lynn:A theoretical question of this type is hard to answer. It makes me think of a marriage pre-nuptial agreement. We had no reason to have one, so don’t. But, if it were legally-mandated, we would.

Likewise, Tim and I would have obviously agreed to an openness agreement if it were mandated by law. However, I’m not sure that I would have been comfortable stating that we’d get together with Elliot’s birth parents once a month or so, which was our verbal agreement. I think perhaps we would have agreed in writing to a lesser degree of openness, but would have hoped to have the level of contact we have currently.

 

Me:There are many stereotypes about birth mothers.  They are all teenagers, unwed, drug users, poverty stricken, eg...  Have you ever had someone assume that Elliot's birth parents fit one of these stereotypes? How did you handle the situation?

Lynn:Elliot’s birth parents do not fit any of the popular stereotypes, but people often assume that they do. In the beginning, people would often ask, “Are they really young?” as if assuming this would be the only reason someone would decide not to parent. When this has happened, I’ve simply explained that their age didn’t have anything to do with their decision and that they simply had never wanted to be parents…so, they made the wise decision not to be. People generally seem surprised, but they always “get” it.

 

Me:In your blog you discuss how at times it is difficult to determine when it is important to tell people Elliot was adopted and when to leave it alone.  You make a great point in saying that eventually it should be Elliot's decision who should be told and in what circumstances. It is his story...

Our daughter is only 9 months old and I already struggle with this.  Do you have any advice on how to deal with these situations? 

Lynn:Elliot is only three years old, so you might have to check back with me in a few years!

In part because all of the important people in our lives obviously already know that Elliot joined our family by adoption, it’s not something that comes up nearly as frequently as it used to. When Elliot was a baby, I felt that I needed to tell people that we adopted Elliot -- sometimes, because people in the neighborhood suddenly saw us with a baby after I hadn’t been pregnant; sometimes, when other mothers were sharing stories about their birth and breastfeeding experiences, which I couldn’t relate to.

Today, the fact that Elliot is not our biological child really only comes up at doctor’s appointments. It’s not a secret by any means; it’s just not relevant to our day-to-day lives.

I anticipate that the topic may come up more when Elliot is older. When he’s old enough to understand, I plan to discuss with him how and when we should deal with any questions that may arise.


I would like to say thank you to Lynn for participating in the interview project this year and also to Heather for all of her hard work.  Without her there would be no interview project.

9 Months Gone!

Tomorrow Gabriella will be 9 months old.  This morning when I laid her down for her morning nap I thought what a big girl I have and where has the time gone.  I mean everyone tells you that when you have kids the time just races by.  Our lives are busy anyway so time always seems to slip away from us. 

I just can't believe all the changes in my not so little baby.  Just last week there is no way I would have ever got her down for a morning nap.  NO WAY! Just one week of steady sleep training and she is somewhat sleeping through the night and having a morning and afternoon nap.  They are both short ones but I will take what I can get.  She is also crawling everywhere, something she has been doing for awhile but new this week she can pull herself up to a standing position.  Her hand eye co-ordination is getting better by the day and last night she could easily pick up half a blueberry and put it her mouth while running around in her walker.

I am amazed by this little girl every day and so thankful that she is in our life.  With her adoption finalization on Monday I think I am getting a bit sappy.  Can you blame me?

Finally!

I got a call from our licensee's office this afternoon.  We finally have a court date to finalize Gaby's adoption.  YIPEE!!!  It is way sooner than I thought which is even better.  November 5th at 9 am. 

This is purely ceremonial since the ministry and the judge will have already reviewed everything but still exciting none the less.  Our licensee or practitioner do not have to be there.  Nic and I will go with Gaby and can invite friends and family if we wish.

I can't tell you how happy I am to finally have a date.  I have been contemplating getting Gaby a temporary passport since we can not get her permanent one until we get her birth certificate.  The birth certificate should be issued shortly after our court date so I think I am okay to wait and just get her a permanent one.  A bit of a relief since I did not want to do it twice or necessarily deal with all of the rigmarole involved with getting her the temporary one. 

I know this is just ceremonial but it still feels good to know this is the very LAST step in our adoption of Gaby and she will finally be ours officially.  The paperwork will not end for awhile but that is okay with me.  :)

Who Doesn't Like Guacamole?

It seems lately that Gaby is growing by the minute.  With her getting older the type of food she is eating and when and how she is eating it seems to change all the time. 

When we first started her on solid foods (around five months) I had read a bunch of books on feeding your new baby and thought it best to try to stick to them.  Her first introduction to rice cereal was rough and to say she did not take to it right away would be the understatement of the year.  When I saw our family doctor about two weeks after starting to feed her he said "the babies job is to spit it out and yours is to shove it back in".  So that is what I continued to do...

Eventually I started to lean away from all of my books instructions and went with my gut instincts and some advise from friends.  It took time but eventually both Gaby and I got the hang of  it and I am happy to say that at eight and a half months she is eating three meals a day, along with a snack in the morning and afternoon.  She still has three to four bottles a day but we have switched her from formula to organic homogenized milk.

Her taste buds have really been developing and with that I have pretty much given up on feeding her any jarred baby food.  Let's be serious, that stuff tastes terrible! I  have always done my own vegetables but now am making meal and fruit concoctions as well.  This has been allot of fun and I have been freezing a ton of stuff.  Most of it is just meals that I have made for Nic and I and then put in the food processor (eg. beef stew, chicken noodle soup, thanksgiving dinner).  She seems to like all of it but is not great with chunkier textures so I add organic vegetable or chicken broth when I put it into the food processor to get everything to the right consistency.

Today for lunch I made her a mild guacamole and she loved it! In general she really likes things that are tart (especially plain greek yogurt) so I thought she might like this.  It was funny because as she ate up the first few bites I said "that's my girl".   Like I am the only person in the world who LOVES guacamole and by her loving it, it means she is my daughter and mine alone (I think sarcastically). Then I started thinking.. Does A like guacamole? I know she likes taco's? I should text her and ask her? ...

I think part of the reason for this thinking pattern is our on going discussion about nature vs. nurture.  As I type this my daughter is talking away (at an ear piercing volume) just to enjoy the sound of her own voice.  A is a bit quieter and Nic and I are big mouths. Who will she take after?  I guess only time will tell.

Overall Gaby is doing great and both Nic and I are really enjoy being parents.  She started to crawl a little over a week ago and is really moving now. She can get from one end of the house to the other in a blink of an eye which has us trying to keep a close watch on her.  One minute she is playing on her blanket with a toy the next minute she has both dog water bowls upside down and is playing in the puddle of water she has created.  At these moments you just have to laugh.

Her personality is also growing and she is a very happy baby.  I mean she always has been but she smiles and laughs allot more now and makes a few funny faces when she is contemplating something or giving a bit of attitude.  She also "dances" to music or singing and will clap when she is in the mood.  We have been working on getting her to give kisses and she is starting to get the hang of that as well.   

With fall in full swing I am looking forward to the upcoming winter.  With being a stay at home Mom, while working full time, gardening, housekeeping and a busy social calendar, summer has pretty much kicked my butt! I am sure things will be crazy until Christmas but after that I am looking forward to tying up my year end and then spending the winter enjoying my wonderful family. 

Sometimes I still can't believe that Gaby is ours and we get to keep her forever.  It all seems a bit too good to be true.   

Great Big Happy Family

Reading about the adoption bloggers interview project made me realize that it has been a very long time sine I have spoken about Gabriella's birth family.  I can't really explain why that is?  I think mainly because they have molded so well into our everyday lives that we don't think of it as a big deal when we talk to them or get together.

Since Gaby was born we have visited with her birth family four times.  They came here after the waiting period was over and met all our family.  A bit of an emotional visit for everyone but also allot of fun.  We took them on a tour of the area.  A bit of a walk down memory lane for Nic and I. I know they loved seeing where we live and the area that Gaby would grow up in.

Then in the early spring Nic and I booked a campsite about 15 minutes from where they live and they came and spent a day and night with us on Gaby's very first camping trip.  It was allot of fun and Nic and I loved showing A & K a bunch of our fun camping traditions.  Growing up in the city they have never done any camping. The girls lead us on a fun hike, we had a delicious bbq and a bonfire that lasted long after Gaby had gone to bed.

The third visit was another camping trip.  We were up in their area again camping with my brother and sister in law as well as a good friend from University and her boyfriend.  We had planned on stopping at their place on our way home but plans changed and they ended up coming to the campsite on Saturday and having dinner with all of us.  I was glad they came because my brother had been away on vacation when they came to our house so they got to meet him and his beautiful wife.  Again we eat far too much and talked around the campfire until A started drifting off to sleep in her chair.

Our fourth visit was a sleep over.  Nic and I took a week long camping vacation and near the beginning met up with Gaby's birth family at a lake near their house.  They took us out on their boat fishing for the afternoon and then we drove back to their house with the camper and spent the night.  They made us an amazing meal and we topped it off with a bonfire.  They had made a pit in their backyard after camping with us in the spring.  Another amazing trip with lots of catching up and laughs.  I thought it might be hard for A to see Gaby in her own home but everyone had a nice time and I did not sense that A was uncomforable or upset.

We had also invited them to come here for Thanksgiving two weekends ago.  Unfortunately they could not make it but we are hoping to get together again soon.  Sometimes life gets in the way of the best made plans.

We still talk once or twice a week on the phone and text regularly.  I have tried to keep on top of the blog we have and post pictures a couple times a month as well as put up videos when I get a good one.

Our relationship is no different than the ones we have with our family members and close friends.  When we talk we do talk about Gaby but mostly we talk about what is happening in our lives.  We are becoming familiar with each others close friends and family and often ask after them in conversation.  I am always interested to hear how A and K are doing in school. Even with the few months A took off of school during the end of her pregnancy she managed, with K's help, to not miss out on any credits so started school in September at the same stage as her sister.  Both girls also got jobs this summer working at a fast food chain.  They do not love the job (who does love their first job) but it is good experience for them until they turn 16 in December and can qualify to apply to more places.

In general I think A enjoys our visits.  She is always interested in how Gaby is doing and has lots of questions.  She will often spend long amounts of time playing with her and having discussions with K about features Gaby has that are similar to theirs. She likes to hear my stories about funny things she is doing or really loves. I find the way she relates with Gaby is similar to how any girl of her age would.  She is fun to play with but she would rather leave the hard stuff to us. 

Nic and I love the visits and the chance to reconnect with them.  If anything we wish we saw them more frequently but it is difficult to find time to do the almost 3 hour drive (one way) and their schedules make it difficult for them to come here.  Hopefully we will see them again before Christmas.

We could not be happier about our decision to have a fully open adoption.  I love that I already have a great collection of pictures and mementos for Gaby.  I am stock piling everything away so that when she is old enough to understand she can see the story of how we all became a family.  It is a very loving, honest relationship and we feel very lucky to have them in our lives.

Adoption Blogger Interview Project 2012

 

 

Last year around this time Nic and I had completed all of our homestudy paper work and were at the "waiting" stage of adoption.  We were making lots of connections and I was trying to take in all I could about anything and everything adoption.  For lack of a better term I became an adoption sponge.   

 

During this time I stumbled upon the Adoption Blogger Interview Project (2011).  This project is put on by Heather at Production, Not Reproduction. She is an amazing women and has really invested in the online open adoption community, especially with her involvement in Open Adoption Bloggers. 

 

The interview project randomly pairs bloggers who have some involvement in adoption and gives them the opportunity to get to know each other and ask some questions.  I learned so much from the project last year that it encourage me to join open adoption bloggers and I am happy to say I will be participating in the interview project this year.  Last year the project helped me to expand my knowledge about adoption and also to open my eyes to an amazing community of bloggers.  Real life stories have been the best education for us.  I am hoping that by participating this year I can pay it forward and help someone else out there in internet space who wants to learn about adoption in Ontario.

 

This is an amazing project!  Anyone who is interested in participating or learning more about the project can click on the button at the top of the page or here.

 



"I'm Having Their Baby"

This Friday while channel surfing I stumbled upon a show on slice that surprised me.  The name of the show is I'm Having Their Baby. I soon found out that this reality show follows birth mothers through their decision to adopt, birth of their child and (sometimes) relinquishment of their child to adoptive parents.

This particular episode was about Megan a college girl and Lindsay a single Mom.  Their journey's were very different but both very emotional (of course).  I have come across many fictional shows about adoption but never a reality show. 

I have followed Catelynn & Tyler's story on Teen Mom after they chose adoption for their daughter on 16 and Pregnant.  I have learned allot from their story and have always felt it represents a real and positive story about adoption, showing the ups and downs from a birth parent standpoint.  Here is some more information about Catelynn and Tyler if you are interested.

I am still not sure how I feel about I'm Having Their Baby.  The way the show is filmed seems to put adoptive parents in a negative light.  I don't think this is done intentionally but it made me feel a bit uncomfortable.  It is hard to explain why I felt that way but I just did.  I may have to watch again this Friday to see if it was just this particular episode I did not like. 

If nothing else this show helped me to continue along my adoption learning curve.  I suppose in the era of reality TV I should not have been so surprised to stumble upon a show about adoption.  There is one about everything else.

Open Adoption Roundtable #40 - Reasons for Choosing Open Adoption

Below is my response to an Open Adoption Roundtable which is a writing prompt part of Open Adoption Bloggers (a network of writers from all sides of open adoption).  This is my second time responding to a roundtable.  You can see my first post HERE.

This roundtable asks "What were your reasons for choosing open adoption".

 

Our decision to choose open adoption was a process that took about 8 months, lots of research and a TON of soul searching.  I'm not sure if any of you remember but when Nic and I first started our adoption journey we thought we wanted to adopt internationally.  With international adoption the chances of being able to have an open adoption are slim to none so we did very little research on open adoption at first.

 

When the international route fell through and we started looking into domestic adoption we also started looking at open adoption.  At first we thought that a semi-open adoption would be the best choice for us.  We did not know all the details about fully open yet and we felt that was what we would be comfortable with. 

 

All of our research indicated that open adoption was the best choice for our child and that was why Nic and I wanted to pursue it.  At first this was our only reason... Really the thought of open adoption made us both a bit nervous and we were worried with the trend moving towards fully open adoption that we might have agencies try to push us into more openness than we were comfortable with.

 

Before we started our PRIDE training I read a few books about open adoption (see side bar) so we were more informed going into the training about how we felt.  I think we were both still a bit unsure about it but were getting more comfortable. 

 

It was one of the speakers on our last day of PRIDE that truly spoke to us and opened our hearts to open adoption.  The couple were adoptive parents to two wonderful young boys.  They had two very different open relationships with both of their birth families and answered the million questions we had about open adoption.  When we left that day we knew we were on board for open adoption not just because it was the right choice for our child but because it was the right choice for us.

 

We also attended Jennie Painter's open adoption seminar which was amazing.  She had a panel of people who spoke about their adoption experience.  Many were birth mother's but there was also an adult adoptee and a birth grandmother.  Hearing about their adoption experiences expanded our knowledge on open adoption and solidified our choice. 

 

Hearing about how open adoption had helped the birth mother's feel comfortable with their adoption choice made us both realize that open adoption will not only help our child lead a more well rounded life but also her first family.  It just seemed like such a healthy choice with no secrets and a better information flow.  It would eliminate allot of question marks as to how our child was doing and what her birth family was about.  We did explore some of the downsides but for the most part all we saw was positives.

 

I think a big part of the reason Nic and I were so on board the open adoption train was because we fully educated ourselves.  Our fear about open adoption was because we had the wrong perspective about it.  People can tell you over and over again that it is not co-parenting but until you learn that for yourself it is hard to imagine.  I think knowing that it would help our child form his/her identity and know who they are made a big difference as well. 

 

When we were chosen by Gaby's birth family we were faced with a few open adoption challenges that we never imagined would be an issue.  One of the major ones was that the birth family was not well informed about what open adoption was and they actually thought it meant co-parenting.  They kept saying "well we want you to be the parents".

 

Before our vision meeting Nic and I actually sat with them for well over an hour (we were very late for our meeting) and discussed what open adoption meant to us.  I think it finally hit home when we said to them "So when the baby is born you never want me to call you again? You don't want to call me? You won't text us and we will never see you again?" They were like WELL NO! Nic and I chimed in unison "communication is open adoption".  We told them that we would be the parents and their relationship with Gaby could be whatever they chose but we pictured it like an aunt or cousin.  That we would talk as regularly as we wanted and see each other when we could.  We did lay out some set guidelines in our openness agreement but for the most part it has been a guideline only and we have just done what works for all of us. 

 

Nic and I are lucky in that we were chosen by an amazing family who we have a ton in common with.  So many people really stressed to us that our adoption profile should reflect who we are not who we thought birth families wanted us to be.  We worked very hard to do that and I think that is a big part of the reason our open adoption works.  They chose us because they saw we had allot in common and that certainly helps our open relationship work. 

 

We had allot of fun getting to know them before Gaby was born and a natural friendship formed.  We know our relationship with them is not the norm.  We are very lucky that we all care for each other so much and that our relationship is so natural.

 

I already have an amazing collection of pictures, gifts and memories from Gaby's birth family that I know will be important to her in the future.  Although open adoption can be extremely hard for the birth family I am so happy they chose to have an open adoption with us.  We would not want it any other way.  They are part of our extended family and our relationship involves all that comes with that!  We feel that there is no limit to how much love our daughter can have.  As is our policy with most things "The more the merrier"!

The Adoption Affect

Nic and I live in a small community and with that comes an invisible network of information flow that seems to travel far and wide.  Because of this network we run into allot of people we barely know who are aware of our daughters adoption.  We have been very open about our adoption and for the most part people are happy to meet her and ask few questions.  The odd time though we do run into people who are genuinely interested in our adoption journey.  Last week I ran into two of these people and both conversations were truly moving.

The first was a man who I see yearly for some advertising.  He always comes by the house and we have a short chat.  This visit he shared that he and his wife could not have children and did think about adoption but in the end decided to not pursue it.  They billet young boys trying out for the local hockey team and have for over 20 years.  He said he has found that has fulfilled their parenting cravings but hearing our adoption story moved him to tears.  I could literally see him reflecting on his own life and falling in love with Gabriella before my eyes.  Amazing!

My second encounter was with an adult adoptee who is a close friend of Nic's Aunt.  She had been following our adoption journey through Nic's Aunt and was overjoyed to meet Gaby and hear how things were developing.  She was originally in a closed adoption but ended up finding her birth mother and father and spending time with both of them.  She loved hearing about our openness journey and the relationship we have with Gaby's birth family.  She went on and on about how beautiful our daughter was and how lucky we were to have her.

It is this type of conversation that makes me happy Nic and I have been so open about Gaby's adoption.  Before we adopted I heard horror stories about rude people asking inappropriate questions and making adoptive parents and children feel uncomfortable or emotionally attacked.  At first these stories made me nervous and I wanted to try to keep as much as we could to ourselves.  We still do keep some things confidential that we feel are part of Gabriella's story that she can choose to talk about or not in the future if she wants.  But for the most part we are open and try to teach people about adoption whenever we get the chance.  I am happy that we made this choice because so many of these people's stories and comments have literally changed my life.  There are so many people who have been touched by infertility or adoption that I think are encouraged to open up about their experience when they hear ours.

Our baby is so precious to us and we can't even think what we would do without her.  Maybe it is the emotion people see when we talk about her and her birth family, or just the fact that she is so darn cute but I think that she has changed the way allot of people view adoption, especially open adoption.  The sharing of information continues to teach us about life and parenting no matter if it is negative or positive.  My heart grows with each positive encounter and I hope it never stops!

Never Ending Adoption Paper Work...

I can't believe that today is the first day of August! Where has the summer gone? 

Things have been extra busy around here with Miss. Gaby growing like a weed.  She has started to sit up, babbles like crazy, laughs and smiles all the time.  Lately she has been in love with the dogs and gets noticeably excited when they are around. She has also started to reach for us when we pick her up and will turn when you call her name.  She is becoming more of a little girl every day and less of a baby.  Nic and I are both loving watching her grow and change.

On July 17th we had our last home visit with our adoption practitioner.  She had to do three visits within the first 6 months Gaby is in our home.  These visits took no time at all and seemed to be more procedure than anything else.  I did have to call the doctor's office and get Gaby's full chart of all her appointments but that was the hardest part.  We did have fun showing Josie Gaby's room and all the new things she is learning. 

Now that our home visits are over Josie will put together a package to send to off to Cheryl our licensee.  This will include her general observations of Nic and I as parents, Gaby's well being and development as well as bits and pieces on our relationship with Gaby's birth family and Nic and I's relationship with each other. 

Once Cheryl receives this she submits it along with a ton of other paper work to the Ministry of Child and Youth Services for approval and a court date.  My understanding is that the judge will review all the paper work and make sure everything is in order and grant final approval for the adoption to become final.  This will take place in family court at the Picton court house.  I guess they only have family court once a month so we will not get in until the September or latest October day.

As far as we know everything should be ok at court.  The only part that could cause a problem is that Gaby's birth father has not signed off on the adoption.  Both A and L have provided affidavits as to what happened with that situation which the judge will review.  Cheryl thinks that everything should be fine and we trust that it will be.  Once the judge grants approval then all of the final paper work will go in and finally we will have a birth certificate for our daughter and be able to get a real passport (we can get a temporary one if we need to) .  The birth certificate will allow us to baptize her which we are hoping to do sooner rather than later.

Nic and I are both excited to have everything moving forward and nearing an end.  It seems like this process goes on forever and ever.  It will nice to have it all done.

In other happy we news we also had a very nice visit last week with Gaby's birth family.  We have been seeing them pretty much monthly but this was the longest visit and was very nice.  As Gaby grows it seems that A has more interest in playing with her which is really great to see.  She is such a happy baby I think she is hard for anyone to resist ;).  We may not see them until later September now unless we can talk them into coming here for a visit.  We still talk regularly though which has been nice.  They really have become a part of our extended family and Nic and I love having them.

A Room Finally!

Gaby finally has a room!  I still have a couple finishing touches left but for the most part it is done.  Nic and I both love it.  A big thank you goes out to my sister Elizabeth for her help and creative insight. 

Mother's Day

With my first mother's day approaching I have been thinking allot about how I felt last year on mother's day.  Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  At that time our adoption homestudy was going nowhere and it seemed like we would never be parents.  Having to celebrate mother's day was complete torture and an all day reminder that I had no idea if I would ever be a mom.

It is amazing the difference a year can make.  Although Nic and I have other stresses in our life at the moment I can honestly say that I am looking forward to this mother's day.  I know that the main point of the day is to celebrate mom's and everything they do for us.  For me I will be celebrating my baby girl and everything she had done for ME!  She has made me look at life from a different perspective and I can say that for the first time, in a long time, I feel completely whole.

Don't get me wrong, Nic and I have an amazing marriage and our life is full of so many wonderful things.  I just think we have both been waiting for this little miracle to truly start our life together.  We both seem to see everything we do now (especially big decisions we make) in a different way.  I think we have always been trying to plan for our children but until you actually have them I don't think you truly know what that means. 

I would like to take this opportunity to thank so many people out there who's role fall under the "mom" umbrella.  Nic and I are both lucky to have great mother's but we also have so many people who we value as "mom's".  Women who we have watched (in admiration) raise their children from babies into smart, aware young people.  Women who have provided a shoulder to cry on or a safe environment away from our lives when we needed it.  Women who over internet wires make us feel less alone and more loved than you could imagine.  First Mom's who think of their children's future and open their hearts, homes and lives to adoptive parent's even though at times it is scary and sad.  Women who selfishly put themselves last and everyone else first.

Happy Mother's Day!

xo xo xo 

Open Adoption Roundtable #35 - Grandparents (Better Late Than Never)

Awhile ago I mentioned that I had joined Open Adoption Bloggers.  Part of the Open Adoption Bloggers is the Open Adoption Rountable.

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption.

It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.

You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption.

If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Rountable #35 was to write about Grandparents in open adoption.  This was posted a few weeks ago but with everything going on this is the first moment I had to write about it.  I think that it is an important topic so I had to take a few minutes to share my feelings and our experience.

In our open adoption our daughter's birth Grandmother (L) played (and continues to play) a staring role in our open adoption experience.  She was the person who initiated contact with us and in many ways orchestrated how our adoption would go.  Because her daughter, Gaby's birth Mom (A) is so young she looked to her Mom for information and reassurance that she was doing the right thing.  At the beginning I thought L might keep us from having a fully open adoption but in the end everything worked out.  Once we explained our vision of open adoption L and A decided it was their's as well.

For the most part having L so involved in our adoption experience has been great.  I have allot in common with her and find that she has good insight into what A is thinking and feeling.  Because A is so quiet, at times in the beginning stages of our adoption I could not tell what she thought about what was going on or what Nic and I were doing or saying.  L in many ways worked as an interpreter and helped us form the relationship we now have with A. 

Throughout the formation of our open adoption agreement and hospital plan we often found we were taking L's feelings into account just as much as A's.  I at times felt that L over shadowed A which to me was a bit sad.  I thought the focus of the adoption should have been kept on A and that was not always the case.  Nic and I did our best to make sure A's feelings were the priority but it was difficult when she very rarely spoke up for herself.  She did so more at the end of her pregnancy when the important decisions had to be made, which was good.

We know that L will always be a big part of Gaby's life.  Her and her fiancee (H) have made it clear that they want to be and we have included them in our open adoption agreement.  Both Nic and I are thrilled that this is the case.  We know that A's life will change as she gets older and she may not always be able to, or want to be involved with Gaby.  We are happy that L's close relationship with us will allow Gaby to have a constant connection to her birth family even if it is not with her birth Mother. 

We value L and H in our life and know they will always be part of our extended family. Our daughter will just be that much more spoiled with love having one more set of Grandparents. 

I also want to take this opportunity to talk about Gaby's adoptive Grandparents who I know have been challenged by the idea of open adoption.  At first I think the idea of having an open relationship with our birth family was very scary for them.  They were having nightmares of them kidnapping our child in the night, invading our lives or some how taking away parenting duties for Nic and I. 

As we learned more about open adoption so did they and in time they came to accept it.  I think the fear was still present for awhile but the more time Nic and I spent with our birth family and talked about them they became a part of not only our lives but our parent's lives as well.  When we eventually we took pictures of all of us and our parent's could put faces to names you could also seem them relax a bit.  I'm not sure what they were expecting our birth family to be but I think the unknown was daunting. 

The get together we had with our birth family a couple weeks ago was truly amazing and Nic and I had a private moment where we celebrated our parents coming full circle in relation to open adoption.  They welcomed our birth family with open arms and we could see their stress and worry of the past months melt away.  Their granddaugther's first family love her just as they do and she is something that we will all always have in common.  It was wonderful to see everyone sharing stories, laughing and talking. The truly amazing thing was that after the visit they just "got it".  Our parents understood what we had been trying to tell them about open adoption and how we hoped it would all come together.  They were no longer intimidated or scared of our birth family and it was obvious they genuinely liked them. 

Gaby is my parents first grandchild and Nic's parents fourth.  She is a very special little girl to all of us especially Nic and I because in many ways she is our miracle.  We had basically given up on ever having a baby, baby and we feel truly blessed to have not missed one moment of her life and to share such an extraordinary bond with her first family.  We are lucky that she has three sets of Grandparents and they all play an important role in her life.  We would not have it any other way.

It Feels Like Spring Is Here!

Turtles out and about in Ron and Suzie's pond

Pianese and tulips coming up in the garden

Poppies, Irises, Lillies and others all sprouting

The above signs of spring have been showing up everywhere.  The pair of ducks have returned to our creek, lilac trees are budding, the grass is turning green and the dogs are all frisky.  We have still had some chilly days but overall it has been sunny and beautiful.  It has been nice to not have to really bundle Gaby to take her outside and to be able to use the stroller so much.  She really enjoys going for walks.  I am loving it as well although my leg muscles are a bit sore after being out of use for so long. 

I took Gaby to baby group yesterday and she weighed in at 11 lbs! I still can't believe she weighs that much.  She will be two months next week and the practical nurse thought she was looking great.  She continues to be really long which I am sure contributes to her weight gain as well.  She is smiling lots now and blowing bubbles.  Nic and I would like to think we are special and that she only smiles at us but since she also smiles at the dogs, pictures on the wall and light fixtures we know we are not.  She does recognize both our voices and will follow us when we move around a room.  She loves her baths and would spend hours floating around.  She is awake most of the day now which makes it a bit difficult to get anything done but she is sleeping well at night so I can not complain.  On Monday night she slept from 9:30 pm until 5:00 am.  It was great!

Nic and I are still adjusting to being parents.  We both wish we could be spending every moment of every day with Gaby but unfortunately work is getting busy and we have to dedicate some of our time to that.  I know Nic is missing her during the day but pops in a number of times to say hello and give her a kiss or cuddle with her for a bit over his lunch.  Thankfully my sister has been helping me out a bit so I can get all of my spring work duties done without feeling guilty about leaving Gaby.  She hangs out with her around here so I don't miss anything.

We are still in constant contact with Gaby's birth family.  Things are starting to go back to normal for them.  Her birth Mom had her check up with the OB and he thought everything was looking good.  She still has about 10 lbs of baby weight to loose but you would never know looking at her.  I think she looks wonderful.  She is enjoying being back at school and doing all the things teenagers love to do.  Nic and I miss seeing them weekly but are handling it by talking on the phone every couple of days.  We are still hoping to see them sometime in the next couple of weeks.  Hopefully we can make it happen.

I find myself worrying about Gaby's birth Mom more than I probably should.  Nic keeps telling me her life is not my business but I just can't help it.  She is a wonderful young lady and I just want things to go well for her.  We still text but I wish I talked with her more.  She is just so quiet it is hard to talk with her on the phone.  I do talk with her Mom lots but it just is not the same. 

As far as the adoption process goes we are just waiting for time to pass.  We were hoping to do some travelling this summer but will need Gaby's temporary passport to do that.  So I am working on a timeline for that with our licensee.  I was under the impression we would have it soon but now she is saying it might be longer than I thought.  We are also due for another check up visit with our practitioner.  I have not heard from her but imagine she will be checking in shortly.

Overall things are going well and we are having a blast watching Gaby grow and change.

Gaby Update

Things in the Conley household have been very busy!  Princess Gaby has had tons of visitors.  It has been nice to see everyone and have so many enjoyable visits.  I do feel a bit like my house has a revolving door but that's okay.  Nic and I are enjoying showing off our beautiful baby.

The waiting period was over on Tuesday and we had a bit of a party to celebrate on Wednesday night.  Nic and I did not worry about the waiting period at all but we could tell our parents did and that they were relieved when it was over.  For us it was just nice to have one more thing done and Gaby closer to being ours officially.

She had a doctors appointment on Thursday.  He said she is still perfect and growing just like she should be.  She is now 9lbs 7 oz and almost 23 inches long.  He said she is middle of the road for weight and at the higher end for length.  We have really noticed that she is getting longer.  I had her in our chest carrier the other day and her feet and part of her legs were out of the bottom where when she first came home her feet barely poked out.

Her birth family came here for a visit yesterday.  We had an amazing day and a ton of fun.  We got to spend a few hours with them alone before our families arrived.  Gaby's birth grandmother really wanted to meet them. I knew it would be a bit crazy and it was.  Everyone hit it off right away and there was tons of talking and laughing.  Sometimes so much that I felt like my ears were ringing.

I loved seeing Gaby's birth mother and kept hugging her.  She looks amazing! You would never know she had a baby.  Her and her sister really enjoyed playing with the dogs and being in our home.  You could tell they were both comfortable which made me feel great. 

We waited for this visit until after the waiting period but all agreed it was too long. Nic and I are going to try to go to Newmarket to have lunch for our next visit.  We all missed each other and don't want to wait over a month to see each other next.

Both Nic and I feel very lucky to have been chosen by our birth family.  We truly do have a special connection that I feel is not the norm in most adoptions.  We really are a family and I am so happy that Gaby will get to experience the kind of love we share as she grows.  Everyone keeps saying there is no limit to the amount of love a little girl can have.  I am so glad that is true because our little girl is loved by so many people it is amazing.  We are so lucky to have her and are enjoying every minute.

I am hoping to start getting back on schedule sometime soon.  This week with it being March break we have visitors pretty much all week.  Hopefully next week things will get a bit more back to normal.  I won't hold my breath.

xo xo xo

Consent Signed

I'm sorry for my blogging absence.  When I have a spare minute I have been updating the birth families blog which leaves me being a bit tardy here.  Next week I am going to try a bit harder to get back to real life and not spend most of my waking hours staring a Gabriella.  Wish me luck with that one.

Yesterday our birth mother signed the adoption consent with the children's lawyer so our 21 day waiting period official starts today.  I believe that means that it will be over March 6th.  We are planning a visit with the birth family on March 11th to celebrate.  I am not worried at all about the waiting period.  I have been talking with the birth family every other day and we are all doing well emotionally.  My Dad on the other hand is a different story.  I think he is crossing the days off on his calendar.  :)

The Love Fest

Gaby is on her fifth day in this world and Nic and I are loving being parents.  We have had a steady stream of visitors which has been wonderful.  Nic is happy to be able to show off our little girl.  So much so that this morning when I was talking with Gaby while I fed her he jumped our of bed and ran into the living room thinking that he was missing a guest.  He was obviously half asleep since we don't usually have visitors at 5am.  So Funny...

We took her into the doctor yesterday and he said she was doing really well.  She has lost a bit of weight and is down to 6lbs 14oz but he said that was normal.  All of her measurements are pretty much right on average which he said was perfect.  She is eatting well and producing full diapers all the time which he was happy about.  She is shedding lots of skin which is also normal.  We are working to keep lots of cream on her which seems to be helping.

Overall Nic and I are in baby heaven.  I joked with my Mom yesterday that when people open the door to our house hearts must escape out. When we are alone with her we just stare at her and talk about how amazing she is and how much we love her and each other. There have been buckets of happy tears shed.  I know I have had my fair share of cries but I am not alone.  It seems it is hard to go a day without someone crying.  It is a real love fest.

I have found that the topic that makes me most emotional is our birth family.  Our birth mother did absolutely amazing during labour and delivery.  She was in labour for seven and a half hours and pushed for only 36 minutes before Gaby was born. After her birth we all spent some time together in the birthing room.  It was an experience I will never forget.  During our little over 24 hours in the hospital we were back and forth to each others rooms visiting and enjoying the baby.  Although our birth mother did not want to hold the baby she was still very involved with her.  The entire birth family was there for her first bath and she often sat with me while I fed her or changed her.  Her Mom and Step Dad both held her a bunch which was nice.

I am so happy that we made that choice not to invite any of our family to the hospital.  They are having lots of time to visit with the baby now.  Our time with the birth family really was precious and I felt strengthened our already close relationship.  They really have become another branch of our family.  Our adoption professionals kept saying how amazing it was.  In our openness agreement we agreed that they would initiate contact after the babies birth and Nic and I would not to give them some space.  I think I broke that rule within 6 hours.  We had already visited twice and I texted to see if we were going to have lunch together.  So much for that.  Since we got home we have been texting frequently and talking on the phone ever evening.  I have already posted two entries to our blog so they can see how she is doing. 

We are currently planning on not getting together until after the 21 day waiting period which will start on Valentines Day when they get together with the children's lawyer to finalize the adoption paperwork.  I have a feeling we will probably get together before that but no matter what they are coming for a visit after the waiting period. We are really excited to have them here and to show them the area we live. 

Overall we have had the most amazing adoption experience so far.  There is absolutely nothing I would change.  We are head over heals in love with with our little one and enjoying every minute with her.  Even the minutes spent up in the middle of the night :)

She's Here

We welcomed a beautiful baby girl into this world at 2:30am on Friday February 3rd. 

We had been in Newmarket Thursday to go to an OB appointment.  He said things were moving along and she could have the baby anytime but we did not think he meant it literally.  Our birth Mom was feeling great and we all went out for a big lunch after the appointment.  We thought we would be having a baby Saturday/Sunday because they were going to start her induction Saturday morning.  All seemed well so we hit the highway to go home.  We were planning on getting everything in order and heading back very early Saturday morning for the induction.

We were home for an hour when the birth grandmother called and said that our birth mother was having contractions.  We did some back and forth over the next hour calling each other every 15 minutes.  At 8pm Nic and I finally decided to hit the road.  We made it to the hospital at 10pm and the baby was born in no time.

I could write forever about our amazing hospital experience, our bonding with our birth family, how wonderful our birth mother did and how great it feels to finally be parents.  Unfortunately I don't have the time at this moment.  We have lots of visitors and are trying to keep up on laundry in between.  Hopefully I will find some time in the next day or so to write a bit more.

What I can say is I feel like we are extremely lucky to have such an amazing birth family and to have built our own little family with them.  Nic and I are missing them although we are still talking on the phone and via text.  Our new baby (who we named Gabriella) is certainly helping to distract us.  She is the most beautiful baby in the world.  I know we are a bit bias :).

More later...

Still Waiting

No baby yet. 

We are off to Newmarket tomorrow to go to the OB appointment.  Hopefully we will know a bit more then.  Nic is sure she will just be induced on Saturday.  Who knows?  If she is close to going into labour we may just stay in Newmarket tomorrow night but I have a feeling that won't happen.  She is still feeling really good and is showing no signs of going into labour.  If we come home tomorrow night I will post an update on Friday.

:)

Clarification on the Waiting Period

I have had allot questions about the waiting period.  I think I did explain it at one point but thought I would do it again.

Because we have already been granted our ministry approval, when the baby is born we will be able to bring her home as soon as she is released from the hospital.  Our birth mother then has to sign a consent to adopt.  This can not be signed until at least seven days after the baby is born.  In our case because our birth mother is under age she must sign the consent in front of a children's lawyer. 

The Office of the Children's Lawyer is a branch of the Attorney Generals Office and a government agency.  My understanding is that our licensee can not apply to have a children's lawyer assigned to our birth mother until after the baby is born.  Like every branch of the government this takes time and paperwork.  In cases where the birth mother is of age the consent to adopt is usually signed on the seventh day after birth.  More than likely this will not happen in our case and it could be 10-14 days before a children's lawyer is assigned and they can arrange to meet to sign the consent. 

Once the consent is signed our birth mother has 21 days where she can revoke the consent and choose to parent the child.  In our openness agreement we agreed that we would not contact the birth family until after this waiting period is over.  They said they wanted this time to themselves which we understand.  They can contact us if they want but we can not initiate contact. 

When the 21 days is over there will be more paper work to sign and essentially we become guardians of the baby.  The adoption will not be finalized for close to a year but we will have our own birth certificate issued and a temporary OHIP card.  We can also apply for a passport and travel with the baby during this time.  We will have scheduled visits with our adoption practitioner and she will submit reports about how we are doing with the baby which will be part of our final paper work when we apply to have the adoption finalized.    

As I said in my previous post we are hoping to get together with the birth family once the 21 days is over and then again when the weather warms up.  I have created a private blog that I will post updates on monthly for the first year, then four times a year after that for the birth family.  I am sure we will still text and talk on the phone as well.  The openness agreement says we will get together four times a year but I have a feeling we will just see how we all feel and get together more or less depending on how busy our lives are. 

Nic and I have decided to try to stay close to home until after the waiting period is over.  We want to enjoy the time at home with the baby.  Once everything is finalized and the 21 days is over we will put together her nursery and purchase some of the bigger items we need.  We both feel very good about our match and think everything will be okay but we would rather be safe than sorry.