Open Adoption Roundtable #35 - Grandparents (Better Late Than Never)

Awhile ago I mentioned that I had joined Open Adoption Bloggers.  Part of the Open Adoption Bloggers is the Open Adoption Rountable.

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption.

It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.

You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption.

If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Rountable #35 was to write about Grandparents in open adoption.  This was posted a few weeks ago but with everything going on this is the first moment I had to write about it.  I think that it is an important topic so I had to take a few minutes to share my feelings and our experience.

In our open adoption our daughter's birth Grandmother (L) played (and continues to play) a staring role in our open adoption experience.  She was the person who initiated contact with us and in many ways orchestrated how our adoption would go.  Because her daughter, Gaby's birth Mom (A) is so young she looked to her Mom for information and reassurance that she was doing the right thing.  At the beginning I thought L might keep us from having a fully open adoption but in the end everything worked out.  Once we explained our vision of open adoption L and A decided it was their's as well.

For the most part having L so involved in our adoption experience has been great.  I have allot in common with her and find that she has good insight into what A is thinking and feeling.  Because A is so quiet, at times in the beginning stages of our adoption I could not tell what she thought about what was going on or what Nic and I were doing or saying.  L in many ways worked as an interpreter and helped us form the relationship we now have with A. 

Throughout the formation of our open adoption agreement and hospital plan we often found we were taking L's feelings into account just as much as A's.  I at times felt that L over shadowed A which to me was a bit sad.  I thought the focus of the adoption should have been kept on A and that was not always the case.  Nic and I did our best to make sure A's feelings were the priority but it was difficult when she very rarely spoke up for herself.  She did so more at the end of her pregnancy when the important decisions had to be made, which was good.

We know that L will always be a big part of Gaby's life.  Her and her fiancee (H) have made it clear that they want to be and we have included them in our open adoption agreement.  Both Nic and I are thrilled that this is the case.  We know that A's life will change as she gets older and she may not always be able to, or want to be involved with Gaby.  We are happy that L's close relationship with us will allow Gaby to have a constant connection to her birth family even if it is not with her birth Mother. 

We value L and H in our life and know they will always be part of our extended family. Our daughter will just be that much more spoiled with love having one more set of Grandparents. 

I also want to take this opportunity to talk about Gaby's adoptive Grandparents who I know have been challenged by the idea of open adoption.  At first I think the idea of having an open relationship with our birth family was very scary for them.  They were having nightmares of them kidnapping our child in the night, invading our lives or some how taking away parenting duties for Nic and I. 

As we learned more about open adoption so did they and in time they came to accept it.  I think the fear was still present for awhile but the more time Nic and I spent with our birth family and talked about them they became a part of not only our lives but our parent's lives as well.  When we eventually we took pictures of all of us and our parent's could put faces to names you could also seem them relax a bit.  I'm not sure what they were expecting our birth family to be but I think the unknown was daunting. 

The get together we had with our birth family a couple weeks ago was truly amazing and Nic and I had a private moment where we celebrated our parents coming full circle in relation to open adoption.  They welcomed our birth family with open arms and we could see their stress and worry of the past months melt away.  Their granddaugther's first family love her just as they do and she is something that we will all always have in common.  It was wonderful to see everyone sharing stories, laughing and talking. The truly amazing thing was that after the visit they just "got it".  Our parents understood what we had been trying to tell them about open adoption and how we hoped it would all come together.  They were no longer intimidated or scared of our birth family and it was obvious they genuinely liked them. 

Gaby is my parents first grandchild and Nic's parents fourth.  She is a very special little girl to all of us especially Nic and I because in many ways she is our miracle.  We had basically given up on ever having a baby, baby and we feel truly blessed to have not missed one moment of her life and to share such an extraordinary bond with her first family.  We are lucky that she has three sets of Grandparents and they all play an important role in her life.  We would not have it any other way.

It Feels Like Spring Is Here!

Turtles out and about in Ron and Suzie's pond

Pianese and tulips coming up in the garden

Poppies, Irises, Lillies and others all sprouting

The above signs of spring have been showing up everywhere.  The pair of ducks have returned to our creek, lilac trees are budding, the grass is turning green and the dogs are all frisky.  We have still had some chilly days but overall it has been sunny and beautiful.  It has been nice to not have to really bundle Gaby to take her outside and to be able to use the stroller so much.  She really enjoys going for walks.  I am loving it as well although my leg muscles are a bit sore after being out of use for so long. 

I took Gaby to baby group yesterday and she weighed in at 11 lbs! I still can't believe she weighs that much.  She will be two months next week and the practical nurse thought she was looking great.  She continues to be really long which I am sure contributes to her weight gain as well.  She is smiling lots now and blowing bubbles.  Nic and I would like to think we are special and that she only smiles at us but since she also smiles at the dogs, pictures on the wall and light fixtures we know we are not.  She does recognize both our voices and will follow us when we move around a room.  She loves her baths and would spend hours floating around.  She is awake most of the day now which makes it a bit difficult to get anything done but she is sleeping well at night so I can not complain.  On Monday night she slept from 9:30 pm until 5:00 am.  It was great!

Nic and I are still adjusting to being parents.  We both wish we could be spending every moment of every day with Gaby but unfortunately work is getting busy and we have to dedicate some of our time to that.  I know Nic is missing her during the day but pops in a number of times to say hello and give her a kiss or cuddle with her for a bit over his lunch.  Thankfully my sister has been helping me out a bit so I can get all of my spring work duties done without feeling guilty about leaving Gaby.  She hangs out with her around here so I don't miss anything.

We are still in constant contact with Gaby's birth family.  Things are starting to go back to normal for them.  Her birth Mom had her check up with the OB and he thought everything was looking good.  She still has about 10 lbs of baby weight to loose but you would never know looking at her.  I think she looks wonderful.  She is enjoying being back at school and doing all the things teenagers love to do.  Nic and I miss seeing them weekly but are handling it by talking on the phone every couple of days.  We are still hoping to see them sometime in the next couple of weeks.  Hopefully we can make it happen.

I find myself worrying about Gaby's birth Mom more than I probably should.  Nic keeps telling me her life is not my business but I just can't help it.  She is a wonderful young lady and I just want things to go well for her.  We still text but I wish I talked with her more.  She is just so quiet it is hard to talk with her on the phone.  I do talk with her Mom lots but it just is not the same. 

As far as the adoption process goes we are just waiting for time to pass.  We were hoping to do some travelling this summer but will need Gaby's temporary passport to do that.  So I am working on a timeline for that with our licensee.  I was under the impression we would have it soon but now she is saying it might be longer than I thought.  We are also due for another check up visit with our practitioner.  I have not heard from her but imagine she will be checking in shortly.

Overall things are going well and we are having a blast watching Gaby grow and change.

Gaby Update

Things in the Conley household have been very busy!  Princess Gaby has had tons of visitors.  It has been nice to see everyone and have so many enjoyable visits.  I do feel a bit like my house has a revolving door but that's okay.  Nic and I are enjoying showing off our beautiful baby.

The waiting period was over on Tuesday and we had a bit of a party to celebrate on Wednesday night.  Nic and I did not worry about the waiting period at all but we could tell our parents did and that they were relieved when it was over.  For us it was just nice to have one more thing done and Gaby closer to being ours officially.

She had a doctors appointment on Thursday.  He said she is still perfect and growing just like she should be.  She is now 9lbs 7 oz and almost 23 inches long.  He said she is middle of the road for weight and at the higher end for length.  We have really noticed that she is getting longer.  I had her in our chest carrier the other day and her feet and part of her legs were out of the bottom where when she first came home her feet barely poked out.

Her birth family came here for a visit yesterday.  We had an amazing day and a ton of fun.  We got to spend a few hours with them alone before our families arrived.  Gaby's birth grandmother really wanted to meet them. I knew it would be a bit crazy and it was.  Everyone hit it off right away and there was tons of talking and laughing.  Sometimes so much that I felt like my ears were ringing.

I loved seeing Gaby's birth mother and kept hugging her.  She looks amazing! You would never know she had a baby.  Her and her sister really enjoyed playing with the dogs and being in our home.  You could tell they were both comfortable which made me feel great. 

We waited for this visit until after the waiting period but all agreed it was too long. Nic and I are going to try to go to Newmarket to have lunch for our next visit.  We all missed each other and don't want to wait over a month to see each other next.

Both Nic and I feel very lucky to have been chosen by our birth family.  We truly do have a special connection that I feel is not the norm in most adoptions.  We really are a family and I am so happy that Gaby will get to experience the kind of love we share as she grows.  Everyone keeps saying there is no limit to the amount of love a little girl can have.  I am so glad that is true because our little girl is loved by so many people it is amazing.  We are so lucky to have her and are enjoying every minute.

I am hoping to start getting back on schedule sometime soon.  This week with it being March break we have visitors pretty much all week.  Hopefully next week things will get a bit more back to normal.  I won't hold my breath.

xo xo xo