Clarification on the Waiting Period

I have had allot questions about the waiting period.  I think I did explain it at one point but thought I would do it again.

Because we have already been granted our ministry approval, when the baby is born we will be able to bring her home as soon as she is released from the hospital.  Our birth mother then has to sign a consent to adopt.  This can not be signed until at least seven days after the baby is born.  In our case because our birth mother is under age she must sign the consent in front of a children's lawyer. 

The Office of the Children's Lawyer is a branch of the Attorney Generals Office and a government agency.  My understanding is that our licensee can not apply to have a children's lawyer assigned to our birth mother until after the baby is born.  Like every branch of the government this takes time and paperwork.  In cases where the birth mother is of age the consent to adopt is usually signed on the seventh day after birth.  More than likely this will not happen in our case and it could be 10-14 days before a children's lawyer is assigned and they can arrange to meet to sign the consent. 

Once the consent is signed our birth mother has 21 days where she can revoke the consent and choose to parent the child.  In our openness agreement we agreed that we would not contact the birth family until after this waiting period is over.  They said they wanted this time to themselves which we understand.  They can contact us if they want but we can not initiate contact. 

When the 21 days is over there will be more paper work to sign and essentially we become guardians of the baby.  The adoption will not be finalized for close to a year but we will have our own birth certificate issued and a temporary OHIP card.  We can also apply for a passport and travel with the baby during this time.  We will have scheduled visits with our adoption practitioner and she will submit reports about how we are doing with the baby which will be part of our final paper work when we apply to have the adoption finalized.    

As I said in my previous post we are hoping to get together with the birth family once the 21 days is over and then again when the weather warms up.  I have created a private blog that I will post updates on monthly for the first year, then four times a year after that for the birth family.  I am sure we will still text and talk on the phone as well.  The openness agreement says we will get together four times a year but I have a feeling we will just see how we all feel and get together more or less depending on how busy our lives are. 

Nic and I have decided to try to stay close to home until after the waiting period is over.  We want to enjoy the time at home with the baby.  Once everything is finalized and the 21 days is over we will put together her nursery and purchase some of the bigger items we need.  We both feel very good about our match and think everything will be okay but we would rather be safe than sorry.

Our Openness Journey

The closer we get to the babies arrival the more it seems openness is coming up in conversations with family and friends.  They all know that we had decided early on to try and have a fully open adoption with whoever chose us to adopt their child.  I can honestly say that not only has our view on open adoption changed over this past year but so has the people's closest to us. 

I think at first the idea of keeping in touch with the birth family was scary for everyone.  I think they thought it might encourage them to change their mind during the waiting period or that it would create some sort of co-parenting that involved us to ask permission before we could do anything with, for or about our child.  I think that seems silly to everyone now but it was a valid fear at the time.

I know the fact that Nic and I made a point of educating ourselves and our family about open adoption is a big part of the reason for this change in attitude.  I also think it has to do with the fact that we have a very supportive and welcoming family and friend unit.  The more they hear about the birth family the more they become a part of our natural "circle".  I find when people are calling to check in on us they are also asking about how not only our birth mother is but also her mother, sister, etc.  It is like they have already become a part of our extended family and I have to say I LOVE IT!

I was worried that our open relationship might seemed forced and the fact that it has come together in a nature way is a pleasant surprise.  At first the birth family was not even sure if they wanted an open relationship with us and now we are making plans to get together after the waiting period and have them come visit for a long weekend in the summer.  I think part of the reason that it is all falling into place so nicely is because we have so much in common and genuinely enjoy each other's company.  I also think that because Nic and I took the time to explain to them what open adoption meant for us and how we saw our relationship developing in the future, they had a better idea of what having an open relationship actually meant.  It seemed that they had no idea what open adoption was about because none of the professionals took the time to explain it to them.  Or at least not in a way that they fully understood. 

I wonder if this is part of the reason that some open adoptions break down?  It does make me realize why people choose to work with people like Jennie Painter.  Working with an agency that is fully commited to openness at least gives you peace of mind knowing the birth mother is informed about her openness choices.  If Nic and I were not so committed to openness and spoke with our birth family ourselves I don't know if they would have chosen to have an openness agreement.     

I know that once the baby is born our relationship is going to change but I do hope that we follow through with all our plans and stay in touch.  I am sure there will be some adjustment time and our birth mother will want to get back to high school and her friends.  I just hope our relationship continues to grow and we stay friends.  I would hate to loose them from our lives or our child's.

Update

Sorry for the delay on this update.  My computer's keyboard finally died on me and I had to get a new one.  I thought this would be relatively easy.  I mean how many types of keyboards can there be? Apparently millions...  I finally settled on a wireless one since they seem to be all the rage.  I think I like it although it is going to take some getting used to.  At least it has motivated me to clean a couple areas of my desk that really needed it!

The OB appointment on Wednesday went very well.  The doctor is still happy with the progress and says she could have the baby any time.  He did book her to be induced on February 4th just in case.  She has another appointment with him on Thursday February 2nd to check things out if she has not had the baby yet.

I would love to say that I have some idea when this baby will make its appearance but I really don`t.  It seems like someone has picked every day from now until the 4th and every person thinks their day is THE day.  I would love to say that it will happen this week and she won`t have to be induced but only because I don`t want to wait that long.  Nic and I are more than ready for the baby and it seems all of our family is as well.  I have daily calls from a number of people ``just checking in``.  It is nice to have so many people that love us... but I SWEAR we will not just run off to Newmarket when she goes into labour without calling anyone.  If you have not heard from us it is because nothing is happening.  Promise!

39 Weeks and Counting

Today we are exactly one week from our birth mother's due date.  We had a wonderful visit with them on Friday and the OB appointment went really well.  Her blood pressure is perfect and the baby's heartbeat is strong.  I could not believe how much clearer and louder it was from when I heard it a month ago.  The OB thinks that the baby is right around 7lbs which he says is really the perfect size.  He is actually hoping that she does not get a whole lot bigger.  As far as when she is going to make her appearance it is still up in the air.  He said that it looks like everything is moving in the right direction (she has dropped and is 1cm dilated) but in all reality she could have the baby tomorrow or in two weeks.  She needs to be 3cm dilated before active labour can start.

I thought that he was not going to see her next week because he is on vacation.  It turns out he is opening the office on Wednesday so she has an appointment that afternoon.  I am going to call the birth family today to see how their weekend was and check in.  Nic and I are going to go up for the appointment on Wednesday.  The OB thinks she is pretty much on schedule for the end of the month but we still want to go to see how everyone is doing.

Next to that not much "baby" is happening.  We did make a detour to Burlington on our way home from Newmarket on Friday to see my cousin and her family.  When her daughter was born 10 years ago my Dad gave her the change table that our Grandfather had made for me when I was born.  Since her family no longer needs it she offered it back to me.  Nic and I were so touched that she would part with it and think it is amazing that our baby will use the same change table that my brothers and sister, my cousin's children and I used.  We put it in the spare room today.  We still are not sure about when we are going to put the nursery together but I didn't want to store it in the garage with the ever changing temperatures lately.

I still feel like we are at least a week or 10 days away from the baby arriving but hopefully the OB will be able to give us a bit more information on Wednesday.  I'll keep you posted.

On Pins and Needles

Not counting today we are 12 days from our birth mother's due date.  I just got off the phone with her Mom and I think we are both getting more anxious as the date gets closer.  I don't think it helps that everyone keeps telling us that because she is young she could go really early or really late.  The idea that we could have a baby today or on February 15th is a bit difficult to take but I guess that is the way these things go. 

We are heading up to Newmarket on Friday for another OB appointment.  The doctor is off next week so this will be the last scheduled appointment before her due date.  He said at the last appointment that he would do an exam this time to try to determine the position of the babies head, which will hopefully give us some idea when she might be making an appearance.  We did not go to the last appointment but the birth grandmother said he was really happy with how everything was going.  He said the ultrasound results looked good and there was nothing he saw that concerned him.  The baby is still measuring a bit small.  He is not too concerned about this either because he thinks her due date could be a bit early.  Great more waiting :(.  Either way hopefully he will be able to tell us more on Friday.

Next to waiting there is not a whole lot going on.  Nic and I are as ready for the baby as we are going to be.  I do find as we get closer I worry less about us and more about our birth mother.  She is still deciding how much or how little time she wants to spend with the baby in the hospital.  We have told her a million times that we are hoping she will choose to spend some time with the baby and that it will not hurt our feelings in any way.  I honestly think that she is just not sure how she is going to feel or what she is going to want to do.  She by no means has to decide now (which I also feel like we have told her a million times).  The only set plan is for her to go to the hospital and have the baby.  Nic and I will be at the hospital but in what capacity is her decision and can be made whenever. She knows for sure that she does not want to take care of the baby at the hospital.  So we will be doing that for sure, but everything else is kind of up in the air which we are okay with.

One thing that I never really expected about our adoption experience is how much concern I would have for our birth mother.  I guess throughout the homestudy process I was so worried that we would never get chosen that I could not really see past that.  Now that we know this wonderful young girl, I can't stop thinking about how all of this will effect her.  I do tend to care more about others than I do myself and in this case it is totally heart wrenching.  I am so torn between being happy about our new baby and feeling so sad for how her first mother will feel.  Anyone who says adoption is easy (you don't have to carry a baby for 9 months, you don't have to give birth, etc.) is absolutely WRONG!  It really does put you through the emotional wringer. 

I am looking forward to seeing the birth family on Friday.  It has been over two weeks since we saw them last and I find I always feel better when we are all together.  We have been talking pretty much every other day but it is just not the same.  I will try to post over the weekend and let everyone know how the appointment went on Friday.

Open Adoption BLOGGERS

In my last post I mentioned a blog I follow (somewhat regularly), Production, Not Reproduction.  The author Heather Schade is VERY active in the adoption blogger community and many moons ago created Open Adoption Bloggers "a network of writers from all sides of adoption".  Heather is also responsible for the Adoption Bloggers Interview Project that I mentioned in my post Obnoxious Adoption Questions  back in November.  Currently I have been obsessively reading the 2011 Best of Open Adoption Blogs (mentioned in my last post) which is another of her many projects.

I have been thinking about joining Open Adoption Bloggers for sometime and finally did today.  Although we are not sure how open our adoption will be, we are both hoping that our birth family will want at least some contact after the baby is born.  We did create an openness agreement but really it just says I would create a private blog so the birth family could see updates of the baby and that Nic and I want to participate in a fully open adoption if they want to as well.  How open the relationship actually is has totally been left in their hands.  So me joining the Open Adoption Bloggers is kind of a leap of faith but I figure positive thinking can't hurt.

I don't plan on changing my writing much because of joining.  I may try a bit harder to keep information non-identifying but next to that it will be my usual ramble.  It's not like I don't have enough to do (my year end is precariously hanging over my head) but I feel like I have learned a ton from the people who are currently a part of this group and would like to give back if I can.

I'm okay with being an oak tree. Why all of a sudden do I want to be a shrub?

My cousin Adam and I have been working to put together a password protected website or blog for our birth family for after the baby is born.  The site/blog will allow me to post updates and pictures of the baby and the birth family can check in on us when and if they want to. 

I have been having a hard time deciding on a title for the blog.  I have no idea why?  My creative mind seems to still be on Christmas vacation or my complete lack of sleep has forced it into hibernation.  Either way I have been getting no where.  So today I visited one of my favourite adoption blogs Production, Not Reproduction.  The author is very active in the open adoption blogger community and always has interesting blogs included in her posts.  I was hoping looking at some of the titles would help inspire me.

At the very top of her blog I saw she had listed 2011 Best of Open Adoption Blogs.  Out of curiosity I read some of the posts listed.  One post written by Alissa at Not a Visitor I wanted to share.  Well really it is a quote in her post.  She heard it at an adoption training seminar she recently attended.

"When you have a biological child, it's like you are an oak tree and you know that your child will also be an oak tree. There are still hundreds of variables, but you know that at least you're getting an oak tree. When you adopt, you have no idea what kind of tree you're getting - it'll still be a tree, but it could be a pine tree or a shrub, it could be a maple or a redwood. So you have to be prepared for that - for any kind of tree."

The reason I wanted to share the quote was because of a conversation I recently had with my aunt Gisa.  Any of you who know my aunt know that she is a beautiful women with olive skin and dark hair.  Her appearance very much reflects her Italian heritage which I think lately I have a been a bit jealous of. 

We were talking about the baby's name and how Nic and I were trying to pick a name that would reflect our child's appearance.  My aunt's response was "What I don't look like a Lucy" .  My answer "No, no you don't". 

I haven't been able to get the conversation out my head and I could not figure out why.  I mean both Nic and I are completely aware that our child will more than likely not resemble us as far as looks go and have absolutely no problem with that.  I love the fact that as our child grows they will have close family that look like them and that hopefully it will help them form their identity.

When I read the quote above I guess it just made me realize that it's not so much that I want my child to be an oak tree but that I wish I was more of a shrub.  My child and I will share heritage in that we both have Italian lineage but where more than likely her heritage will show in her appearance, mine does not.  I guess I am nervous that she might feel more connected to our family members that look like her than to ones who don't.  Specifically me....

I will tell you something about the adoption process.  I have said it a million times and I will probably say it a million more.  I constantly feel like I am learning, growing and changing.  I think right now I am just worried about five million things, which I am sure all new parents are if they adopt or not.  My insecurities about how I look are just part of this process.  I of course know they are silly and that my child will love me for who I am.  It is just so easy to over analyze everything when you have so many unknowns. 

Although I am sure that Alissa will never read my blog I would like to thank her for her post.  Her thoughts and feelings have helped me work out some of my own, which hopefully will make me a better rounded adoptive mother.

We Got It!!!!

Nic and I just heard from the birth family.  They received an email from our lawyer / licensee saying that we received our ministry approval today.  YIPEE!!!! One less thing to worry about on delivery day.  I think we are all relieved and happy to have the paper work officially over with.  Until after the baby is born that is.

January 13th - OBGYN Appointment (receive ultrasound results)
January 20th - OBGYN Appointment - Nic has picked this day as the day the baby will arrive
January 23rd - Date birth grandmother has picked that the baby will arrive
January 30th - Actual due date
February 4th - Date I have picked for the baby to arrive

It's A Girl (we think)

Nic and I have had a busy and exciting week.  We went to Newmarket on Tuesday for our birth mother's ultrasound.  We got to see the baby and found out it is a girl.  At least the ultrasound tech thought so.  The baby is so big at this point in the game that there is not allot of room to actually see the sex.  As far as she could tell she thought it was a girl and she said the heart rate also made her think that.  We are both pretty excited to know the sex.  It is nice to have one less unknown.  I am still not going to go out and buy pink everything.  I am pretty much done my pre-baby shopping.  Everything I have is gender neutral and I think that is okay for the moment.  I may go out and get a couple little girl sleepers but that is it.

After the ultrasound we left from Newmarket to go on a mini vacation in Niagara Falls.  I didn't feel comfortable leaving the country with our birth mother's due date so close so it had to be Ni-Vegas instead of palm trees and warm sand between my toes.  We had a wonderful time as always.  We were both so tired we did not do a whole lot but it was nice to have a couple days to ourselves.  We got home last night, a few dollars lighter after some time in the casino.  Gamblers we are not!

When we were in Niagara I also heard from our adoption practitioner.  She had to make a slight change on one page of the information she sent to the ministry.  We had to sign it and send it back to her.  She said that one page was all they needed to grant approval for our match.  So hopefully we will get that on Monday.  It will be great to have approval before the baby is born.  That means that as long as everything goes well at the hospital there will be no reason why we can't take the baby home as soon as she is released.  That is really what the birth family wanted (no transition through foster care).  We were also hoping to be able to take the baby home so it is great that our hard work paid off and we should be granted approval early.

So I guess the waiting game truly begins now. We have everything ready we might need for the baby and our hospital bags packed. Our birth mother will see her OB on Friday's until the baby is born. Nic and I will go up for the 20th appointment since that is when the OB will have the results of the ultrasound. I have no idea why it takes that long but I guess it does. The tech thought everything looked really good, but it will be nice to hear it from the OB as well.