"I'm Having Their Baby"

This Friday while channel surfing I stumbled upon a show on slice that surprised me.  The name of the show is I'm Having Their Baby. I soon found out that this reality show follows birth mothers through their decision to adopt, birth of their child and (sometimes) relinquishment of their child to adoptive parents.

This particular episode was about Megan a college girl and Lindsay a single Mom.  Their journey's were very different but both very emotional (of course).  I have come across many fictional shows about adoption but never a reality show. 

I have followed Catelynn & Tyler's story on Teen Mom after they chose adoption for their daughter on 16 and Pregnant.  I have learned allot from their story and have always felt it represents a real and positive story about adoption, showing the ups and downs from a birth parent standpoint.  Here is some more information about Catelynn and Tyler if you are interested.

I am still not sure how I feel about I'm Having Their Baby.  The way the show is filmed seems to put adoptive parents in a negative light.  I don't think this is done intentionally but it made me feel a bit uncomfortable.  It is hard to explain why I felt that way but I just did.  I may have to watch again this Friday to see if it was just this particular episode I did not like. 

If nothing else this show helped me to continue along my adoption learning curve.  I suppose in the era of reality TV I should not have been so surprised to stumble upon a show about adoption.  There is one about everything else.

Open Adoption Roundtable #40 - Reasons for Choosing Open Adoption

Below is my response to an Open Adoption Roundtable which is a writing prompt part of Open Adoption Bloggers (a network of writers from all sides of open adoption).  This is my second time responding to a roundtable.  You can see my first post HERE.

This roundtable asks "What were your reasons for choosing open adoption".

 

Our decision to choose open adoption was a process that took about 8 months, lots of research and a TON of soul searching.  I'm not sure if any of you remember but when Nic and I first started our adoption journey we thought we wanted to adopt internationally.  With international adoption the chances of being able to have an open adoption are slim to none so we did very little research on open adoption at first.

 

When the international route fell through and we started looking into domestic adoption we also started looking at open adoption.  At first we thought that a semi-open adoption would be the best choice for us.  We did not know all the details about fully open yet and we felt that was what we would be comfortable with. 

 

All of our research indicated that open adoption was the best choice for our child and that was why Nic and I wanted to pursue it.  At first this was our only reason... Really the thought of open adoption made us both a bit nervous and we were worried with the trend moving towards fully open adoption that we might have agencies try to push us into more openness than we were comfortable with.

 

Before we started our PRIDE training I read a few books about open adoption (see side bar) so we were more informed going into the training about how we felt.  I think we were both still a bit unsure about it but were getting more comfortable. 

 

It was one of the speakers on our last day of PRIDE that truly spoke to us and opened our hearts to open adoption.  The couple were adoptive parents to two wonderful young boys.  They had two very different open relationships with both of their birth families and answered the million questions we had about open adoption.  When we left that day we knew we were on board for open adoption not just because it was the right choice for our child but because it was the right choice for us.

 

We also attended Jennie Painter's open adoption seminar which was amazing.  She had a panel of people who spoke about their adoption experience.  Many were birth mother's but there was also an adult adoptee and a birth grandmother.  Hearing about their adoption experiences expanded our knowledge on open adoption and solidified our choice. 

 

Hearing about how open adoption had helped the birth mother's feel comfortable with their adoption choice made us both realize that open adoption will not only help our child lead a more well rounded life but also her first family.  It just seemed like such a healthy choice with no secrets and a better information flow.  It would eliminate allot of question marks as to how our child was doing and what her birth family was about.  We did explore some of the downsides but for the most part all we saw was positives.

 

I think a big part of the reason Nic and I were so on board the open adoption train was because we fully educated ourselves.  Our fear about open adoption was because we had the wrong perspective about it.  People can tell you over and over again that it is not co-parenting but until you learn that for yourself it is hard to imagine.  I think knowing that it would help our child form his/her identity and know who they are made a big difference as well. 

 

When we were chosen by Gaby's birth family we were faced with a few open adoption challenges that we never imagined would be an issue.  One of the major ones was that the birth family was not well informed about what open adoption was and they actually thought it meant co-parenting.  They kept saying "well we want you to be the parents".

 

Before our vision meeting Nic and I actually sat with them for well over an hour (we were very late for our meeting) and discussed what open adoption meant to us.  I think it finally hit home when we said to them "So when the baby is born you never want me to call you again? You don't want to call me? You won't text us and we will never see you again?" They were like WELL NO! Nic and I chimed in unison "communication is open adoption".  We told them that we would be the parents and their relationship with Gaby could be whatever they chose but we pictured it like an aunt or cousin.  That we would talk as regularly as we wanted and see each other when we could.  We did lay out some set guidelines in our openness agreement but for the most part it has been a guideline only and we have just done what works for all of us. 

 

Nic and I are lucky in that we were chosen by an amazing family who we have a ton in common with.  So many people really stressed to us that our adoption profile should reflect who we are not who we thought birth families wanted us to be.  We worked very hard to do that and I think that is a big part of the reason our open adoption works.  They chose us because they saw we had allot in common and that certainly helps our open relationship work. 

 

We had allot of fun getting to know them before Gaby was born and a natural friendship formed.  We know our relationship with them is not the norm.  We are very lucky that we all care for each other so much and that our relationship is so natural.

 

I already have an amazing collection of pictures, gifts and memories from Gaby's birth family that I know will be important to her in the future.  Although open adoption can be extremely hard for the birth family I am so happy they chose to have an open adoption with us.  We would not want it any other way.  They are part of our extended family and our relationship involves all that comes with that!  We feel that there is no limit to how much love our daughter can have.  As is our policy with most things "The more the merrier"!

The Adoption Affect

Nic and I live in a small community and with that comes an invisible network of information flow that seems to travel far and wide.  Because of this network we run into allot of people we barely know who are aware of our daughters adoption.  We have been very open about our adoption and for the most part people are happy to meet her and ask few questions.  The odd time though we do run into people who are genuinely interested in our adoption journey.  Last week I ran into two of these people and both conversations were truly moving.

The first was a man who I see yearly for some advertising.  He always comes by the house and we have a short chat.  This visit he shared that he and his wife could not have children and did think about adoption but in the end decided to not pursue it.  They billet young boys trying out for the local hockey team and have for over 20 years.  He said he has found that has fulfilled their parenting cravings but hearing our adoption story moved him to tears.  I could literally see him reflecting on his own life and falling in love with Gabriella before my eyes.  Amazing!

My second encounter was with an adult adoptee who is a close friend of Nic's Aunt.  She had been following our adoption journey through Nic's Aunt and was overjoyed to meet Gaby and hear how things were developing.  She was originally in a closed adoption but ended up finding her birth mother and father and spending time with both of them.  She loved hearing about our openness journey and the relationship we have with Gaby's birth family.  She went on and on about how beautiful our daughter was and how lucky we were to have her.

It is this type of conversation that makes me happy Nic and I have been so open about Gaby's adoption.  Before we adopted I heard horror stories about rude people asking inappropriate questions and making adoptive parents and children feel uncomfortable or emotionally attacked.  At first these stories made me nervous and I wanted to try to keep as much as we could to ourselves.  We still do keep some things confidential that we feel are part of Gabriella's story that she can choose to talk about or not in the future if she wants.  But for the most part we are open and try to teach people about adoption whenever we get the chance.  I am happy that we made this choice because so many of these people's stories and comments have literally changed my life.  There are so many people who have been touched by infertility or adoption that I think are encouraged to open up about their experience when they hear ours.

Our baby is so precious to us and we can't even think what we would do without her.  Maybe it is the emotion people see when we talk about her and her birth family, or just the fact that she is so darn cute but I think that she has changed the way allot of people view adoption, especially open adoption.  The sharing of information continues to teach us about life and parenting no matter if it is negative or positive.  My heart grows with each positive encounter and I hope it never stops!

Never Ending Adoption Paper Work...

I can't believe that today is the first day of August! Where has the summer gone? 

Things have been extra busy around here with Miss. Gaby growing like a weed.  She has started to sit up, babbles like crazy, laughs and smiles all the time.  Lately she has been in love with the dogs and gets noticeably excited when they are around. She has also started to reach for us when we pick her up and will turn when you call her name.  She is becoming more of a little girl every day and less of a baby.  Nic and I are both loving watching her grow and change.

On July 17th we had our last home visit with our adoption practitioner.  She had to do three visits within the first 6 months Gaby is in our home.  These visits took no time at all and seemed to be more procedure than anything else.  I did have to call the doctor's office and get Gaby's full chart of all her appointments but that was the hardest part.  We did have fun showing Josie Gaby's room and all the new things she is learning. 

Now that our home visits are over Josie will put together a package to send to off to Cheryl our licensee.  This will include her general observations of Nic and I as parents, Gaby's well being and development as well as bits and pieces on our relationship with Gaby's birth family and Nic and I's relationship with each other. 

Once Cheryl receives this she submits it along with a ton of other paper work to the Ministry of Child and Youth Services for approval and a court date.  My understanding is that the judge will review all the paper work and make sure everything is in order and grant final approval for the adoption to become final.  This will take place in family court at the Picton court house.  I guess they only have family court once a month so we will not get in until the September or latest October day.

As far as we know everything should be ok at court.  The only part that could cause a problem is that Gaby's birth father has not signed off on the adoption.  Both A and L have provided affidavits as to what happened with that situation which the judge will review.  Cheryl thinks that everything should be fine and we trust that it will be.  Once the judge grants approval then all of the final paper work will go in and finally we will have a birth certificate for our daughter and be able to get a real passport (we can get a temporary one if we need to) .  The birth certificate will allow us to baptize her which we are hoping to do sooner rather than later.

Nic and I are both excited to have everything moving forward and nearing an end.  It seems like this process goes on forever and ever.  It will nice to have it all done.

In other happy we news we also had a very nice visit last week with Gaby's birth family.  We have been seeing them pretty much monthly but this was the longest visit and was very nice.  As Gaby grows it seems that A has more interest in playing with her which is really great to see.  She is such a happy baby I think she is hard for anyone to resist ;).  We may not see them until later September now unless we can talk them into coming here for a visit.  We still talk regularly though which has been nice.  They really have become a part of our extended family and Nic and I love having them.

A Room Finally!

Gaby finally has a room!  I still have a couple finishing touches left but for the most part it is done.  Nic and I both love it.  A big thank you goes out to my sister Elizabeth for her help and creative insight. 

Mother's Day

With my first mother's day approaching I have been thinking allot about how I felt last year on mother's day.  Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.  At that time our adoption homestudy was going nowhere and it seemed like we would never be parents.  Having to celebrate mother's day was complete torture and an all day reminder that I had no idea if I would ever be a mom.

It is amazing the difference a year can make.  Although Nic and I have other stresses in our life at the moment I can honestly say that I am looking forward to this mother's day.  I know that the main point of the day is to celebrate mom's and everything they do for us.  For me I will be celebrating my baby girl and everything she had done for ME!  She has made me look at life from a different perspective and I can say that for the first time, in a long time, I feel completely whole.

Don't get me wrong, Nic and I have an amazing marriage and our life is full of so many wonderful things.  I just think we have both been waiting for this little miracle to truly start our life together.  We both seem to see everything we do now (especially big decisions we make) in a different way.  I think we have always been trying to plan for our children but until you actually have them I don't think you truly know what that means. 

I would like to take this opportunity to thank so many people out there who's role fall under the "mom" umbrella.  Nic and I are both lucky to have great mother's but we also have so many people who we value as "mom's".  Women who we have watched (in admiration) raise their children from babies into smart, aware young people.  Women who have provided a shoulder to cry on or a safe environment away from our lives when we needed it.  Women who over internet wires make us feel less alone and more loved than you could imagine.  First Mom's who think of their children's future and open their hearts, homes and lives to adoptive parent's even though at times it is scary and sad.  Women who selfishly put themselves last and everyone else first.

Happy Mother's Day!

xo xo xo 

Open Adoption Roundtable #35 - Grandparents (Better Late Than Never)

Awhile ago I mentioned that I had joined Open Adoption Bloggers.  Part of the Open Adoption Bloggers is the Open Adoption Rountable.

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption.

It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community.

You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption.

If you're thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table.

The prompts are meant to be starting points--please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Rountable #35 was to write about Grandparents in open adoption.  This was posted a few weeks ago but with everything going on this is the first moment I had to write about it.  I think that it is an important topic so I had to take a few minutes to share my feelings and our experience.

In our open adoption our daughter's birth Grandmother (L) played (and continues to play) a staring role in our open adoption experience.  She was the person who initiated contact with us and in many ways orchestrated how our adoption would go.  Because her daughter, Gaby's birth Mom (A) is so young she looked to her Mom for information and reassurance that she was doing the right thing.  At the beginning I thought L might keep us from having a fully open adoption but in the end everything worked out.  Once we explained our vision of open adoption L and A decided it was their's as well.

For the most part having L so involved in our adoption experience has been great.  I have allot in common with her and find that she has good insight into what A is thinking and feeling.  Because A is so quiet, at times in the beginning stages of our adoption I could not tell what she thought about what was going on or what Nic and I were doing or saying.  L in many ways worked as an interpreter and helped us form the relationship we now have with A. 

Throughout the formation of our open adoption agreement and hospital plan we often found we were taking L's feelings into account just as much as A's.  I at times felt that L over shadowed A which to me was a bit sad.  I thought the focus of the adoption should have been kept on A and that was not always the case.  Nic and I did our best to make sure A's feelings were the priority but it was difficult when she very rarely spoke up for herself.  She did so more at the end of her pregnancy when the important decisions had to be made, which was good.

We know that L will always be a big part of Gaby's life.  Her and her fiancee (H) have made it clear that they want to be and we have included them in our open adoption agreement.  Both Nic and I are thrilled that this is the case.  We know that A's life will change as she gets older and she may not always be able to, or want to be involved with Gaby.  We are happy that L's close relationship with us will allow Gaby to have a constant connection to her birth family even if it is not with her birth Mother. 

We value L and H in our life and know they will always be part of our extended family. Our daughter will just be that much more spoiled with love having one more set of Grandparents. 

I also want to take this opportunity to talk about Gaby's adoptive Grandparents who I know have been challenged by the idea of open adoption.  At first I think the idea of having an open relationship with our birth family was very scary for them.  They were having nightmares of them kidnapping our child in the night, invading our lives or some how taking away parenting duties for Nic and I. 

As we learned more about open adoption so did they and in time they came to accept it.  I think the fear was still present for awhile but the more time Nic and I spent with our birth family and talked about them they became a part of not only our lives but our parent's lives as well.  When we eventually we took pictures of all of us and our parent's could put faces to names you could also seem them relax a bit.  I'm not sure what they were expecting our birth family to be but I think the unknown was daunting. 

The get together we had with our birth family a couple weeks ago was truly amazing and Nic and I had a private moment where we celebrated our parents coming full circle in relation to open adoption.  They welcomed our birth family with open arms and we could see their stress and worry of the past months melt away.  Their granddaugther's first family love her just as they do and she is something that we will all always have in common.  It was wonderful to see everyone sharing stories, laughing and talking. The truly amazing thing was that after the visit they just "got it".  Our parents understood what we had been trying to tell them about open adoption and how we hoped it would all come together.  They were no longer intimidated or scared of our birth family and it was obvious they genuinely liked them. 

Gaby is my parents first grandchild and Nic's parents fourth.  She is a very special little girl to all of us especially Nic and I because in many ways she is our miracle.  We had basically given up on ever having a baby, baby and we feel truly blessed to have not missed one moment of her life and to share such an extraordinary bond with her first family.  We are lucky that she has three sets of Grandparents and they all play an important role in her life.  We would not have it any other way.